2011 - Year in Review

What a year.  It would be so easy to call this the worst year of my life and just move on from there, but I'm not going to do that.  Yes, this was a difficult year, but it was also filled with a lot of happy moments.  I'm going to focus this last blog post of the year on both the good and the bad (and the ugly!) so that I can welcome 2012 with some peace in my heart.

When I started this blog, I imagined it to be a place where I poured out all my innermost thoughts; however, as I started to write I found myself holding back a little.  I realized that people were actually reading this and decided that maybe I didn't want every little thought and feeling to be out there in the open.  This is not a diary.  If I were writing in a diary I would write whatever I wanted and to hell with what anyone thought or felt about it.  But this is a public forum and some things are better kept to myself. 

I also imagined that it would be a place for me to chronicle my dad's journey with ALS and to release some of the emotions and frustrations that went along with that.  Here, too, I found myself holding back.  I think I did it more out of respect for his privacy than anything else.  I didn't think he'd want me to disclose all the unpleasant things that were happening to him.  It wasn't until he passed away that I really started focusing my posts on how I was feeling and how his disease and death had affected me.  Perhaps I'd avoided writing about my own feelings earlier in the year because I was compartmentalizing the whole situation.  If I didn't write about it, maybe it wasn't really happening.

In order to really get a grip on how this year played out, I think I have to take it month by month.  So here we go . . . . . . .

January

Tato holds his Birthday card Jan. 2011

My dad turned 70 in January.  I remember wondering briefly if this would be his last birthday but then pushing the thought out of my mind since it was too awful.  We all gathered at my parents' house as usual to celebrate, but poor Tato had some type of stomach virus and was feeling awful.  For someone with ALS who is already on a feeding tube and having difficulty eating by mouth, having a stomach virus was like adding insult to injury.  We spent the first part of the evening feeling disappointed that he would not be able to enjoy his birthday.  The kids and I had prepared a little piano piece and were anxious to play it for him.  Eventually he came down from his bedroom and announced that he was feeling slightly better.  We quickly ushered him into the dining room where I began to play "Do Re Mi" on the piano with Jack singing next to me.    Here is the video clip - including Tato's tearful applause at the end.  This makes me smile.

February
February was a fun month.  The highlight was a trip we took to the Traska farm in "Pennsyltucky" - basically western Pennsylvania.  The ride there took a harrowing turn when our GPS tried to take us down a very dark country road through a spooky tunnel right out of a horror movie.  We finally made it though and once John and our friend Roman cleared the entrance to the driveway (which was piled high with snowdrifts) we were all set.  Our group was made up of Roman and his two boys, our friend Marko Howera and his daughter Odessa, and me and John and our two kids.  We spent a day skiing at Seven Springs with all the kids, consumed large amounts of beer and Jagermeister and ended the weekend with a rousing game of ice hockey on the pond behind the house.  The men had to first clear a large space on the pond since it was covered with snow and the goalies had to use snow shovels in lieu of goalie sticks.  Since I was the only mother in attendance I think my kids were the only ones who brushed their teeth all weekend.  Marko's daughter Odessa proclaimed that going to Pennsyltucky for the weekend was better than going to Disney World. 

John and I with all our fearless hockey players!

In February 2011 John started his new job - another great thing that happened that month.  I wrote about his days as Mr. Mom and he made a guest appearance here on this blog when he reflected back on his time at home.  It was great having him home for several months - the laundry was always done, I rarely had to make dinner or pick the kids up from school.  I remember feeling a little lost when he did go back to work.  This new job is so much better though - he works in a beautiful building downtown, has a great boss, and gets to enjoy a killer view of the Lincoln Memorial anytime he wants by just going up to the terrace on top of his building.  Having him work in the city has gotten us to appreciate living near the Nation's Capital since now we go down there more often and pretend to be tourists, not to mention the sweet parking spot he has right in the building.

March
In March we took our last trip to Philadelphia with my dad - but of course we didn't know at the time that it would be the last time we were all there together.  Thank God we don't actually know when our last time for anything really is - otherwise we'd spend the whole time obsessing over the fact that it's the last time.  We went to Philly for my little nephew Lev's christening.  We spent a lovely afternoon walking to Fitler Square, a cute little park right by my sister's house in South Philly.  We walked there from her house and brought the folding wheelchair in case Tato got tired from walking.  We took a ton of photos in the park - all of us laughing and being silly for the camera.  On the way back we told Tato to sit in the wheelchair since he looked a little tired, but a few blocks later he got up and ended up pushing the chair himself with hilarious results - take a look . . .

My cute parents in Fitler Square

Lounging on a bench

The boys

Tato starts off in the wheelchair . . .

 . . . but then John hops on for a ride . . .

 . . . and then Ella decides it's her turn!

These photos really reflect Tato's fierce independent streak - he never wanted to be the one getting the free ride but preferred to do the driving himself.  What a great day.

April
We all got together again for Easter - Tato made it to the church with his rollator, his keyboard with the computerized voice, lots of paper towels to help control his saliva problem and of course, dressed all in black - his standard dress code.  By the time we made it to church it was standing room only so we hung out on the front porch as we usually do.  Tato made himself comfortable on his rollator and let everyone come to him.  People were pleasantly surprised to see him and before we knew it, he was surrounded by his biggest fans.  Even though ALS had taken away his ability to speak clearly - he typed madly away on his keyboard (two fingers of course, typing was never his forte) and grace everyone with his customary smile.  This is my favorite photo from that morning . . .

Ella and her Poppy on Easter Sunday 2011

As for the home front - Jack was busy having another successful season as a Little League baseball player with John as his trusty manager for the fifth year in a row.  I also started having the foot problem in April that plagued me for much of the year and threw a huge wrench into my efforts to get back into running.  But really - any physical ailments I had paled in comparison to what my dad was going through.  Complaining about foot pain seemed so inconsequential as I watched him struggle to walk, breathe, talk.  Everything is relative.

May

Me and Tato at Jack's game on Mother's Day

Ah, yes - May - the month of my birth.  Having turned the big 4-0 the previous year I really didn't make much of turning 41.  I can't even remember what we did to celebrate, if anything.  I'm sure we made some margaritas in honor of Cinco de Mayo.  What I do remember is my Tato's last visit to my house.  I know, I know - this blog is turning into "the last time we . . ." but I can't help it.  There will be some firsts too - I'm getting to those.  It was Mother's Day and my parents finally felt able to make it to one of Jack's Little League games.  However - it was at a field where getting to the actual stands was a bit problematic since it was set up on a hill with no walkable path.  I scouted out the area and found an alternative entrance to the fields via a cul de sac that backed up to the park with a small paved pathway leading down to it.  Mama and Tato made it and we parked Tato front and center in the bleachers sitting on his rollator, wearing one of his favorite Harley Davidson t-shirts (black of course) and intermittently playing country songs a bit too loudly on his iphone.  Even then he still had the ability to make me think "WHAT is he doing???"  That was him all the way though - he did what he wanted and really didn't care what people thought.  He gave Jack a big thumbs up and we enjoyed the sunshine and watching Jack do his thing.

Ella reads to Poppy on Mother's Day

 After the game we all went back to our house where we had a lot of great moments.  Tato sat on the couch with Ella while she read him a Dr. Seuss book.  When she got stuck on a word he would type it into his keyboard and the computer voice would tell her how to say it.  He went outside and shot a few hoops with Jack.  The highlight of the visit however was when Jack sat down at the piano to play one of his recital pieces and my dad starting dancing around with Ella.  I recently had the hard drive on my computer crash and thought I had lost all the videos of my Tato from this past year.  However, we were able to recover all the data and fortunately that precious video was saved - here it is . . . .

A lovely walk down Dabney ave.

OK - so now as I'm writing this and browsing through all my photos I'm realizing that Mother's Day was NOT the last time that he came over here.  Isn't it funny how your memory will play tricks on you?  I think I combined two visits into one - because now I'm remembering that his actual last visit to our house was later in May when my Aunt Regina came to visit.  We sat around listening to Aunt Regina tell crazy stories about their times in Lithuania and Germany during WWII - but the most vivid image I have in my mind from that day was the walk that my dad took up and down the sidewalk in front of my house with my mom and Ella.  That was another very nice day - apparently I've taken the days that were happiest and lumped them all together into one great day - I'm glad to see that I was wrong and that we had more happy days than I actually remember!  The mind can play tricks on you.

Another highlight of May was the trip that John and I took to New Orleans.  It was a three day weekend filled with PoBoys, oysters, hurricanes, live music, to-go cups, and an air of apprehension as people wondered whether the Mississippi River would flood New Orleans as the debate raged on about whether the river should be diverted further north.  We discovered a talented performer named Mia Borders as we sat in the VooDoo lounge courtyard of the House of Blues - one of those unplanned moments that ended up being the highlight of our trip.  May was really a great month now that I'm digging my way through it!

June
But the show must go on and so we move on into June.  In June my son Jack turned 10 - a momentous occasion which he insisted on celebrating  by just having some friends over after school one day to play sports and eat cupcakes. I love how low maintenance he is - no fancy, costly birthday parties for him. Just give him a football and a yard full of friends and he's happy. Swim team season started in June and to our surprise Ella jumped in and never looked back. We discovered a little fish in our house who, despite vomiting prior to every swim meet, wowed us with her ability to focus and swim despite her wildly uncontrolled nerves. Here she is in her first official meet - so proud of our little girl!

June of course was our last Father's Day with my Tato - but to be quite honest, I don't remember exactly what we did.  I'm sure we must have all been at my parents' house - I have a feeling we were probably sitting on the porch, eating, talking, laughing etc as we usually do.  I don't know why I can't remember exactly what we did - it bothers me a little that I can't remember.  Anyway - this bothered me so much as I was writing it that I sifted back through my emails and found photos that my sister had taken that day.  It appears we just relaxed at my parents' house - I think this photo says it all :)

Poppy and his grandchildren on Father's Day 2011

We didn't do anything momentous or extraordinary that day -  we just spent time together as a family.  Sometimes that's all you need.

July
July was a month full of firsts.  The kids and I took our journey to the plains of Middlefield Ohio for their first experience at a Ukrainian Plast scout camp.  It was a huge success - Jack is still talking about the fact that he wants to go back next summer for the full three weeks.  Ella and I slept in a tent together for Tabir Ptashat ("bird camp") and even she wants to come back next summer to give the overnight camp a try since she will be old enough by then.  I had a chance to relive my summers at PK and marveled at the fact that not much had changed since I'd last been there 20 years ago.  The kids loved it there so much that Ella still shows up in Jack's room at bedtime with her little lantern she made at camp to sit in a circle on his bed and sing "Nich vzhe ide"  (Night is coming).

Prior to this trip we had another cool experience - watching the Washington DC fireworks from the rooftop terrace of John's new office building on the National Mall.  There is no better view than this - the kids were thrilled and pretty much spoiled now for fireworks after seeing this show.

Jack and Ella waiting for the fireworks

Spectacular view of DC fireworks show

July was pretty crazy now that I think about it.  Getting back to our stay in Middlefield Ohio - at the end of one week Jack suddenly decided he wanted to stay for another week since he was enjoying camp so much.  So Ella and I left him there and went back home for a week, then turned around and drove back up there the following weekend.  We endured two nights in our tent with torrential downpours and thunderstorms - I just remember lying there in the tent at 3 a.m., both John and Ella snoring next to me, and praying that no tree limbs would fall on us and that our tent would keep the water out.  We survived and I had fun showing John around a place that holds a lot of great memories from my childhood and teenage years.  I love the fact that now my own kids are making their own memories in the same place - ironically Jack even slept in the same cabin that I slept in when I was a sestrychka (camp counselor) back in 1988, and his bed was in the exact same spot where my bed had been!  Very eerie but cool too.

August
So I got through the whole month of July without writing about my Tato - but unfortunately that's because it was during the summer months that he started taking a turn for the worse.  Whereas in the spring he was still walking a fair amount and able to go places in a car and even get into the office for a few hours a week, by the beginning of August he was no longer doing any of those things.  Our hopes that he would be able to come on the annual family vacation to Wildwood NJ were dwindling, despite the fact that my sister and I had gone to the lengths of renting a wheelchair accessible condo right by the beach in case he was able to make it.  We made the trip to Wildwood without my parents for the first time in ten years and it was very bizarre.  We made the best of it but it just wasn't the same, not to mention that the week was cut short by the hurricane and the mandatory evacuation. 

Before the trip to Wildwood my sister and I spent a whole day at my parents' house - just the four of us.  The original Legeckis four, the way it was before either of us grew up, got married, had kids, etc.  We sat around and laughed about a lot of things.  Tato played "Islands in the Stream" on his iPhone and made us all try to sing along.  Then I pulled out a copy of some ridiculous emails we'd written about ten years earlier about the escapades of a squirrel that had gotten into their house. I read the entire thing out loud and by the time I got to the part that my sister wrote from the point of view of a box of Quaker oatmeal we were all laughing hysterically.  Poor Tato was laughing so hard I was worried he wouldn't be able to breathe.  I remember laughing like this when we were younger - it was a great feeling and for a short while it was easy to forget what we were all going through.

Even though August was hard to get through for so many reasons, we had a lot of good times too.  We spent a relaxing weekend at the Traska farm - we traded playing ice hockey on the pond for floating around in the snake infested waters in inner tubes, drinks in hand, while the kids repeatedly rowed themselves around the pond in a row boat.  I attempted to entertain the kids with my meager guitar skills, making up silly songs using three chords my dad taught me last year.  A few weeks later I treated my mom and my sister to a night at the Kennedy Center to see Wicked (joint birthday gift). We had a nice dinner at a New Orleans style restaurant called Bayou and had a great time at the show.  The following day John, my sister, the kids and I joined our friend Sean and his daughter Lauren for a relaxing day on the river in their speedboat.  The pictures below are a good reminder that while we were going through some really difficult times that month, we still managed to live life and enjoy each other.

John and Ella float in the pond while hoping the snakes are asleep.

Our fearless paddlers!

My mom, my sister and I at the Kennedy Center

Jack leaps into the river from Sean's boat

Ella, Vanessa and I relaxing on Sean's boat

September
September is full of anniversaries and birthdays for our family:  John's parents both had September birthdays, my mom's birthday is in September, my parents celebrated 44 years on September 9th and John and I celebrated our 13th on September 26th.  This year our celebrations were pretty low-key.  All any of us really wanted to do was to be together so most of our free time was spent driving up to my parents' house and spending time with them.  Even though Tato was still walking around the house with his rollator, he was no longer able to walk outside so we would take walks with him around the neighborhood while he zoomed ahead in his fancy motorized chair loaned to him by the ALS Association.  One of my favorite images of one of those walk was on a beautiful sunny day sometime in late September or maybe even early October.  We had chased his chair around the neighborhood and were making our way back up the hill to their house.  Tato parked his chair in a driveway, turned it toward the sun and closed his eyes.  He was like a cat basking in the sun, a look of contentment on his face.  The kids were rolling around in the grass, giggling and laughing together.  My mom and I stood around and chatted about the neighborhood.  It was a nice, peaceful moment - I found myself wishing I had my camera with me, but really, a picture would not have captured the essence of that moment in time. 

October

My husband turned 40 on Oct. 21, 2011.  My Tato passed away on the same day, so now the two of them will always share this day.  It seems fitting since they were always close. I love this photo of the two of them goofing off on the couch at the beach two years ago.  My Tato has his customary savage tan in this photo.  This is how I like to remember him, smiling and laughing.  October was a tough month for all of us.  I still don't think I can write about all the events that led up to my Tato passing away on Oct. 21 and I don't know if I'll ever be able to write about it.  Perhaps some day I will, but not now.  The days following his passing were a whirlwind.  Hundreds of people flocked to his funeral service at the Ukrainian church.  Relatives I hadn't seen in years arrived and I found myself meeting people I'd never met before, all of whose lives my Tato had somehow touched in one way or another.  My mom threw a big "going away" party at their house after the funeral service and every inch of the house was packed with people.  I'd never seen that many people in their house before and I prayed that the floors wouldn't collapse. We ended the evening with Jack and my cousin Gaile playing a duet on the piano, my parents' friend Lesya Bihun singing along with them, and lots of wine being poured and stories being told.  Tato would have enjoyed it thoroughly.

November

Getting ready to run the Turkey Chase!!

Reality began to settle in after the funeral guests departed.  I found myself having a lot of conversations with my mom about social security, life insurance, finanacial matters.  The holidays loomed and I wasn't sure how we would get through it all.  Suddenly I felt this gigantic hole left by a man who took up a lot of space in our lives.   We made it through Thanksgiving and Jack, Vanessa and I ran two miles together in the Bethesda Turkey Chase on Thanksgiving morning, something I'm sure will now be a yearly tradition.    I'm not sure what else I can say about November except that time continued to march forward and we had to move along with it.  November is a bit of a haze to me - I remember playing a lot of piano and getting back into running (and crying).  The kids kept me in the here and now. 

December

My sister and I after the Hot Chocolate 5K!

December started out on a good note.  My sister and I ran the Hot Chocolate 5K together - a great feat considering she has never been a runner and I've been plagued by foot problems since March.  Even though the race itself was a disaster (poor planning, crowded route, awful traffic trying to get to race), it really didn't matter because we accomplished something together. 

A few days later the kids and I visited the White House with my mom followed by a nice lunch at Old Ebbitt Grill and a visit to the Renwick Gallery.  We had a nice relaxing time just being together and enjoying the sights and sounds of the city.

My mom and the kids at Old Ebbitt Grill

 I think these events and outings set the tone for the rest of the month.  I'd been dreading the holidays, especially Christmas - but as I wrote in my last post, it went much better than I'd anticipated.  Some of the shadows have lifted.  Christmas was joyous, not somber.  We all laughed a lot and realized that we can still enjoy the holidays.  People would ask my mom whether we would go somewhere else for Christmas this year.  That would have felt wrong.  Being in my parents' house for Christmas felt right.  Yes, there is still a big empty space where Tato should be.  But he was still there with us, I think we all felt it.

So was this a bad year?  Yes, in many ways it was.  But it was also a good one.  Writing this post has helped me to see that.  How can I completely write a whole year off as being bad when so many good things happened too?  One bad thing happened to me this year and that was a big thing.  Losing my Tato is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  But it has also opened my eyes to all the things in my life that are good.  Tato always tried to see the silver lining even when things were really bad.  I know that as his disease progressed that silver lining became harder for him to see.  But he recognized all the good things that were in his own life and I think those things are what carried him through and allowed him to get through this year with dignity and grace.  Family, friends, happy memories - these are the things that get us through our darkest days. 

I welcome 2012 as a clean slate, a year full of possibility.  As for 2011 - goodbye and thanks for the joy and the pain - as well as the good, the bad and the ugly.  I've learned a lot.