The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

One of my dad's favorite movies - The Good, the Bad and the Ugly - the title of which pretty much sums up how I've felt this week.  Grief reared its ugly head earlier this week after hibernating for about a week or so.  I'd started wondering if I was on the upswing - but no, I guess this is just the beginning.

The Ugly:  I'll start with the Ugly and work my way back to the Good - that way I'll end this post on a positive note.  It's Ugly when you start to sob uncontrollably in your minivan during a perfectly normal workday.  A few days ago I was in between appointments - having just left one patient with Parkinson's Disease and dementia (a nasty combo - would not wish this on anyone) and heading to see my next patient, a gentleman recovering from a stroke and newly diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder who is angry with me because I can't get him back to hurdling. (he's in his 80s!!).  Lately ALL of my patients have been men - every single one.  Somehow, seeing older men in their 70's and 80's in different stages of medical distress has the unfortunate side effect of reminding me of my dad and everything he went through with ALS (that despicable, effing disease that I hate with a passion more and more every day).  So inevitably I periodically lose it in the car - my one safe place where no one can see me lose it and I can just completely let go (well, aside from drivers who may happen to glance over and see me dissolving into puddle).  Don't worry - if it ever gets bad enough, I'll pull over.  Anyhow - that particular day unleashed a torrent of emotion.  I made the mistake of going home and having a few drinks with dinner which escalated the torrent and let's just say - it was not pretty.  It was Ugly.

The Bad:  So once the Ugly was done with (had one more good hysterical cry when my husband asked me if I was coming down with a cold), I experienced the Bad - not quite as dramatic as the Ugly, but still not so good.  The Bad occurs when I start rethinking my dad's final months, weeks, days and I let the anger resurface at WHY this horrible thing called ALS had to happen to him, to us, to anyone really.  What a stupid disease - it comes out of nowhere, it can strike anyone at anytime for no apparent reason, it's a horrible, terrible, despicable, shitty disease.  Sorry, I usually try to keep cursing out of this blog - but I am making an exception in this case.  There is just no other way to describe it.  Bad, Bad, Bad - that's what it is.

The Good:  However, I can usually pull myself away from the Bad and the Ugly because eventually, everything that is Good in my life gets right up in my face and I can't help but smile, laugh and feel good again.  I drove up to Maryland yesterday to help my mother buy her Christmas tree and to get it into the house and positioned in its proper place.  When the two of us attempted to get that tree off the top of the car it was a comical scene and we spent more time laughing than crying that day.  My kids provide a lot of the Good that pulls me away from the Bad and the Ugly - especially now that Jack has started writing letters to Ella from "Santa" to which she is excitedly replying and giving to our elf on the shelf to take back to Santa every night, along with piece of candy that I (oops, I mean Santa) am enjoying quite a bit. 

So here's hoping that the Good continues to outweigh the Bad and the Ugly - because I think getting through Christmas without my Tato will require a lot of it.