Pain and Joy

What a difficult week last week was.  I don't even think I can truly write about it in detail.  Let's just say it started with my dad being unable to walk by wednesday and then passing away peacefully friday evening with me, my mom and my sister all holding his hands and talking to him.  Everything that happened in between is just too difficult to recount at this point.

I thought I was in pain as I watched his illness slowly take away his ability to do all the things that made him who he was, but that was nothing in comparison to the pain I feel now.  I feel like someone has ripped a huge chunk out of me and I find myself bursting into tears to the point of near hysteria at times at the realization that he is really gone.  How can someone with such a huge presence be here one moment and gone the next?  I just can't wrap my head around it.

One minute I feel fine and the next minute I feel like the world is ending.  My emotions are on such a rollercoaster that I have to remind myself to eat.  I wake up at 6 a.m. and can't get back to sleep, so I just get up even though I'm completely exhausted.  It hurts so much.

Once again however my kids manage to punctuate this sorrow with moments of sheer joy and happiness.  They understand that Poppy has moved on to a better place but the idea is more abstract to them.  They still manage to get me to laugh in the middle of this awful nightmare.  That's the one sign I have that happiness and laughter are not gone - they are just harder to come by right now.  Everyone who has been through something like this has told me that eventually this will get better.  It may take a long time, but some day I am told that I will be able to think about my Tato and the happy memories will outweigh the bad ones from the past year or two. 

Even though there has been a lot of awful memories from this past year, I try to remind myself that we had some good ones too interjected here and there.  We had a wonderful 70th birthday with my dad where the kids and I played the piano and sang Do Re Mi to him.  We all travelled to Philly for my little nephew's baptism and got a good laugh when Tato pushed John around in his wheelchair.  The last time my dad came to my house on Mother's Day we had a lovely time:  Poppy sat on the couch with Ella while she read Dr. Seuss to him, Jack played piano and Poppy twirled Ella around, and he even went outside and managed to shoot a few hoops with Jack.  Even in the past few months we still had some good laughs.  I have to remind myself of those moments anytime I start to feel too down.

It's going to be a crazy week.  Lots of relatives coming into town, funeral preparations, endless emails to read and reply to.  This is a low point right now but I guess there's nowhere to go but up from here.  Let's hope it doesn't take too long.