Joy and Pain . . .

Sunshine and rain . . .

The past two days have been chock full of emotional highs and lows.  I've been subjected to moments of intense emotional pain punctuated by moments of pure joy and wonder.  I can't explain it - I feel like I'm at this bizarre crossroads where different aspects of my life are converging.  The end result is that I find myself fluctuating between crying uncontrollably to smiling and laughing. 

I feel myself unraveling as this profound sorrow engulfs me.  My father's condition is rapidly deteriorating - the inevitable is no longer somewhere on the horizon but right here in front of us.  I feel completely helpless.  I find myself crying in the car as I drive to work.  Today I almost burst into tears in front of a patient, something I never do.  Yet the sun was shining and I found myself smiling in spite of everything every time I would get out of the car.  If they could bottle the therapeutic effects of the sun perhaps all horrible diseases would be vanquished forever.

My children are my saving grace.  I just caught Ella reading and singing all the words to the songs from "The Sound of Music" from a piano book I'd just been playing from earlier today.  I secretly videotaped her reading the words in a sing-song way - stumbling over some of the bigger words and pronouncing them the way a six year old would.  The entire time I was watching her all I could think was how I wished the moment could last forever. 

Jack is just an amazing boy - I had a conversation with him today about my dad, thinking it was going to be extremely difficult to find the right words.  We took a walk during Ella's piano lesson and talked about Poppy's disease and God and how sometimes when people are sick and can't get better God decides that it's time to bring them into heaven so that they are not suffering any longer.  Jack took it all in stride and it almost seemed like he knew what I was going to say before I said it.  Then we had a nice time looking at a grasshopper and throwing a pine cone around and talking about other things.  The sun was shining and in Jack's presence I momentarily forgot how sad I am.

Momentarily . . . .