A Better Day

Today was better than yesterday.  I only burst into tears a few times and this time without practically hyperventilating.  The sun was shining and I got to test out my new running shoes.  It felt good to be outside and breathing the fresh air, one foot in front of the other.

I keep hearing a song in my head that my dad used to play on the piano.  I don't know the name of the song and I'm not even sure if it was an actual song or just something my dad made up.  I sat down and tried to play it on the piano and I figured part of it out but not the rest.  I became obsessed with figuring out how to play it and just kept at it, over and over until I finally stopped.  My dad has lists of songs written down with all the chords - I'll have to look over it and see what I can do with it.  I'm suddenly filled with the sense that I need to figure out how to play like he did and keep his particular method and style alive.  It was so unique and so clear in my head.  Fortunately we have lots of recordings of his playing that he had the foresight to make within the past two years, so I have something to listen to as I work my way through this.  He sat down with me about a year ago and showed me his method - the basics, how to read chords, how to create certain chords based on notations on sheets of music, etc. 

I'm becoming more at peace with the fact that he's really gone.  It's still hard, don't get me wrong - but I feel like I'm finally appreciating the fact that he's no longer suffering.  I'm so sad that he's gone - but he went through so much in the past few months that it's a relief that it's finally over.  I imagine him playing a grand piano on a cloud somewhere, dressed in black jeans and a black Harley t-shirt, with Johnny Cash strumming alongside him. 

Tomorrow the relatives start arrriving and I have a feeling that the next 4-5 days are going to be a big blur of gatherings, outings, etc. leading up to the funeral itself.  I don't know how I will be by Saturday, but I'm happy I will get to see my Tato one last time and I plan to say a few words at the service.  I hope I can get through it.  I want to do it right - he was such a great speaker that I want to make sure he gets a good send-off.  He deserves nothing less.