I've traced my lack of writing back to the end of 2015 when my entries suddenly became much more sporadic and then finally in 2017 ended completely. I hadn't planned to stop. But a few things happened that I think led to me not pouring out what I was storing up inside.
I can't blame one thing but a culmination of several events. One is that suddenly my kids were not "little" anymore. Gone were the days that I could just freely write about all the cute and funny things they were doing and saying. I became acutely aware of my son being a teenager and considering how he'd feel if I wrote about things he was doing and saying. Not really knowing how to approach this time in his life I chose to just not write about it at all. I'm slightly regretting that now - since there are moments and challenges of his high school years I wish I'd documented in some way. Now he's in college, a completely different version of himself than he was when I last wrote in here. My daughter is a teenager now too and honestly I feel the same way about writing about her.
So as far as my kids are concerned - I'll be writing about them in a different kind of way. Respectful of their privacy but mindful of the thoughts and feelings that come with being a parent of children who are edging their way into adulthood. If you think diapers and tantrums are tough, you haven't seen anything yet. Navigating the murky waters of the teenage years is just as stressful, perhaps more so due to the feeling of being close to losing a part of yourself that has defined you for well over a decade.
The other thing that happened is I became way more into running - and a lot of my soul searching and mind cleansing occurred as I ran and trained for more races. More running ended up meaning less writing. Quite often I'll write an entire blog post in my head as I'm running because so for some reason the act of putting one foot in front of another gets those thoughts stirred up and organized in the most amazing fashion. I've written amazing things in my head and delivered incredible speeches only to have them fade away once the sweat has dried and the muscles have been stretched. I'm a bit sad that I did not document my journey last year training for the New York City marathon - but I think a blog post to summarize that momentous occasion in my life will be on my agenda shortly.
The third thing that happened is that I embarked on a journey of self discovery and entrepreneurship building a health and wellness business alongside my physical therapy job. This takes up a lot of my free time and while I love it and find it incredibly rewarding to help others feel their best and reach their goals, it has taken away a bit from some of the things I love to do. This is my fault entirely and speaks to the need for better time management and blocking time off for those things. I can still be successful at my business, pour into others and find time for myself and things like writing this blog which does bring me so much joy.
The reason I sat down today to finally write is because I'm finding myself at a crossroads. I'm stressed beyond belief, but at the same time excited and hopeful for the future. I'm turning 50 in less than 2 months, I've embarked on a challenge to run 50 half marathons in 50 states and I'm committed to continuing to grow my business as I look ahead to the empty nest that is coming in a few years and retirement which I'd love to come sooner rather than later. My level of stress is high right now due to the decreased predictability of my current job as a physical therapist and the fear of losing that source of income at a criticial time of my life. This means it's even more important to focus on myself, my growth as a person and my abililty to adapt and succeed despite roadblocks.
I'm home today due to my job being at a standstill. I was washing dishes and decided to play my ancient iPod on the Bose speaker that is still a world better than Alexa will ever be. As I stood there one of the recordings my dad made of himself playing the piano came on. When he was diagnosed with ALS he spent hours recording himself playing piano and stored it all for us both in video and audio form knowing that this would be the best legacy he could leave us. When I closed my eyes it felt like he was just in the next room playing on my piano.
I won't lie - a wave of emotion came over me, tears flowed. A good friend just lost her dad this weekend from a long illness. He was around the same age as my dad having been born a year earlier and I felt for her as I felt for myself and the eight years that have passed. It feels like yesterday.
As the song ended my dad's voice came on - his slurry ALS voice that had already started affecting him when he made these recording. His words? "Short and Sweet!"
Short and Sweet indeed - that summarizes life right there. Instead of wallowing in stress and fatigue and uncertainty today I'll take those words and run with them. Reminders come in the most amazing ways. I'll be recording them here moving forward. I already feel fulfilled. Feels good to be back!
No comments:
Post a Comment