It's been over a month since I wrote anything on here. I'm not sure why - maybe it's been my hectic schedule, or maybe I have way too many conflicting emotions swirling around in my head and I was afraid if I started writing anything I'd explode.
Lately I feel like I'm losing my mind. I've been forgetting things left and right. On Friday I lost my checkcard and left my stethoscope and blood pressure cuff at a patient's home. On Monday I left the house three times without taking things I really needed - money for an outing with the kids, movie to return to RedBox, fully packed cooler for dinner at the pool (had to walk all the way back home to get it - felt so flaky and irritated). On Tuesday I searched the house frantically for ten minutes for the aforementioned stethoscope and blood pressure cuff until I realized I must have left them somewhere. Had to retrace my steps, make a numbers of phone calls, etc. etc.
I'm exhausted but feel like I've done nothing. My father's health is getting worse and I feel helpless - there is nothing I can do to make this better. I've lost it several times over the past week - crying, sobbing uncontrollably and then just feeling more tired afterward.
I've forced myself to do fun things with the kids to remind myself of the good things in life. A long lazy evening at the pool with dinner, a ride on the train at Burke Lake and a walk along the lake trail, a visit to Great Falls on a beautiful day, gazing in wonder at the raging river and shuddering at the multitude of signs screaming "The River Kills!" to discourage people from wading or swimming in the river.
To make myself feel better this morning I decided to take Penny for a run/trot. I did the same thing yesterday morning and she rewarded me with two soft, smelly poops - thanks a lot, Penny. I devised a new strategy after the first one - left it sitting next to a stop sign I knew I would pass again in about 15 minutes so I wouldn't have to lug the stinky sack around the block. So then she went and did another one halfway around that block just so I could still be holding a bag of her poop as we ran together. Today she was kind - only dropped her load once. I made it about 20 minutes but just didn't have the energy I usually do. Can't shake this melancholy feeling.
Not the most uplifting post - but there it is. I'm not even going to bother sharing this one on facebook. I'm not sure if writing it made me feel better or not. I'll see how this day goes. One day at a time, right?
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